25 September 2014

(Un)worthiness

In my Spiritual Director’s class, we’re reading a book titled, Soul Feast: An Invitation to the Christian Spiritual Life, by Marjorie Thompson. In chapter 3, she gave an example of prayer as conversation:

Another exercise is to write a dialogue with a person from scripture. The following example imagines Jesus as a conversation partner; the writer is identifying with Simon Peter after the miraculous catch of fish (Luke 5:1-11).

ME: Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful person!

JESUS: Don’t be afraid; from now on you will be catching people.

M: No, you don’t understand, Lord. You are holy, pure. I’m just a common person with a lot of weaknesses. I don’t belong with you.

J: Remember, you didn’t choose me, I chose you.

M: But why, Lord? I’m not worthy of you!

J: Did I say you had to be worthy? I only ask you to follow me in trust.

This really hit me.

Hard.

I’ve said this often — I feel so unworthy of my calling. When I was about to be ordained, I was given an opportunity to say a few things. I said something like, “I always thought running from God meant sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. You know, the classics! But that’s not necessarily true. In my case, it meant not surrendering to God’s call on my life. When I look at my life, all I see are the mistakes, all the skeletons in the closet and under the bed and shoved in any space I can find. I have a lot of skeletons, in my estimation, anyway.”

Just recently I told someone, through tears, how I just don’t feel worthy of following the calling of God. And then, today, I read that passage above.

That last bit is very helpful. That’s my heart’s cry. That’s how I feel about myself. But then the words attributed to Jesus are like a healing balm — “Did I say you had to be worthy? I only ask you to follow me; to trust me.”

I needed to hear that. I need to hear that. I’m going to use that as a reminder in my daily practice.

I hope it helps you, too.



~~~
In the Love of the Three in One,

Br. Jack+, LC

1 comment:

Beth Krajewski said...

How often we substitute "worthiness" for "called-ness!" No, none of us are worthy, if you want to be a Calvinist about it, but we are all Beloved of the One who made us and calls us and equips us with whatever we need. Enjoy your training course, Brother Jack; it sounds like it will be filled with great grace.